Who do you blame?
The one who broke you?
Or
Yourself? because you went on…
Or
The circumstances? because you were hopeful of them..
Or
The fling that happened amidst? because you lacked an understanding of what you wanted…

This started off as a poem, but I couldn’t help thinking about all that goes wrong or can go wrong in years-long relationships. Is it the expectations that are automatically offered with the relationship starter pack? Or, we tend to grow apart instead of growing stronger? But then what makes us stick around?
Relationships are complicated and beautiful, but it takes years of work to make them stable in a long-term setup. There have been mixed reviews from all over the world of perceptions about keeping a healthy relationship. Some say that it is the compromises from one out of the two partners, wherein some believe that it is a 50-50 ratio.
A romantic relationship doesn’t only comprise of romance, bargain and good times. I have no qualms about having good times with my partner but I believe that it is must to have an emotional bonding with one another and that must contain you enabling your vulnerable self out to them. Communication is one of the major attributes’ that’s considered to work for most of us; that leads to building a rapport between two people.
I understand that being too emotionally involved may backfire, but how else are we supposed to recognize the depth of love being real if it wasn’t for the significant other(s) to maneuver us through it? How do we divide the emotional responsibility in a relationship?

We spend years with someone, loving them, figuring them out and letting them break us, and then suddenly it ends. Have you ever wondered why were you in that relationship in the first place? What were you hoping would magically happen and would bandaid all those broken pieces of you?
Most of us take a leap of faith and drop ourselves in a pit full of false hopes and the ends, and I am trying really hard to not sound sad about it because I was able to move out of it. I am in a happy place, but the past follows.

How do you justify cheating on someone because you ran out of motivation to stay faithful? Everyone has a different notion about cheating in their minds, some would only comply cheating as sleeping with someone else, some would agree that cheating includes everything that someone in a monogamous relationship shouldn’t be pursuing. Yet, my understanding of cheating is limited to just being a reason for not being able to participate in your current relationship; but there can be a lot of reasons to why someone would pursue it over working on the relationship that requires work? and that lands me back to my question about what goes wrong or can go wrong in years-long relationships?

How are we so capable of working hard for the job we hate for money but aren’t ready to work on the relationships that make us a better person?
I understand that most of us realize it mid-way that there are differences and the two of us may want different things in life, there lies a conflict of interest; but then one must stop using love as a bandaid to affix variations.

I have been watching my incomplete desires wandering astray,

They get bewildered with the idea of content…

A myth of empathy muddled with the reality of intimacy,

And I often find myself questioning if I can play with this fire?; Without setting my impulse ablaze…

The carnality takes over the spiritual,

The passion takes over the innocence, and

The impel takes over the sanity,

And the fire always wins.

Recently I came across a post/video by a high-profile designer who bragged about how she thought plus size women weren’t “fit” for getting married in the size they possess and how she can’t tell them blatantly to lose the weight but would ask them to work on themselves. Now for those who are aware and have met me personally know that I am a plus-size woman myself and I advocate for all of the women; size doesn’t matter to me, it doesn’t make me question someones ability to succeed in their career and their ability to have an active sexual life either. I mean this is what I have heard consecutively in these 25 years.

You know, how difficult it sometimes is to stay with yourself when you are a plus size. I am aware of my body fat; I don’t need a reminder in any form of sarcasm or attack. The thing is that I am a foodie, and I can’t do shit without eating; it is an integral part of my life. The problem is that people only see me as a person with weight, what they don’t realise is that I went through a setback in these 3 years due to which I gained and never stopped. I indulged into stress-eating; I have anxiety issues, yet I don’t make it sound like everyone else who has an opinion about plus-size people.

I used to be a size 14, which was very much desirable for me and after moving to Melbourne it drastically increased to 18. I worked 30 hours a week, I had my classes and I had resettlement issues. I am not taking defence to glorify the reasons behind gaining weight, but I want to make these pseudo feminists and others who mock people based on their appearances realise that I was comfortable being a 14 and I am comfortable being an 18.

Now that I have put my point on being comfortable in my shape, I would like to raise awareness concerning mental health. The thing about mental health is that it acts up slowly upon you and before you can think about controlling, it already gets there and makes it difficult to stop. There have been days where I just ate junk food for straight-up 7 days in the name of PMS.

Practising self-care is as vital as breathing. I listen to calming music, natural sounds, or anything that I can use to nerve myself at that moment.

I usually do fine with sarcasm unless it doesn’t invite an argument or have triggers. Yet I believe that people who treat body image as a door to sarcasm are the worst and the shallowest of all. There is one thing about plus-sized individuals that we are very confident in our body; we practice self-care and self-love more than anyone and that we slay AF.

I am in no need to be told by anyone that I can lose a few inches and I’d look prettier or sexier. No, I don’t want your sympathy because I am not undergoing chronicity. I am a very well-read and successful person and I possess enough amount of awareness to pull a conversation on anything that should be a topic for conversation.

If only people could see the person for who the person is, then only they can practice self-love and it surely doesn’t come easy. I feel blessed to have loved myself and will always do.

And as I come to an end of this blog, I put forth the question I have been meaning to ask, when will people stop telling?

I’ll give you a sneak peak on my before and after and Maa Kasam I am a goddamn snack!

So that’s all guys, I mean I have made wrong choices in life and I am no less than any of you. The thought of being judged for no reason kept hovering over and I couldn’t stop thinking to why people can’t let it be? Getting into shape is controllable, but ignoring your mental health and running over it leads to dark only. Please be aware, please make people around you aware and love yourself.

As I smoke my morning cigarette,
I gasp upon the materiality of the whole scenario,
It makes me want more,
It makes me more interested in the climax…
As the smoke rolls up and vanishes in the flavor of my dreams,
I begin to fancy your illusional touch,
The way you stroke your fingers inside the layers of my hair and you try,
You try to relieve me from my restlessness,
But I want to drive inside the vastness of this drama…

You want to fiddle around but,
I can feel the extent,
You want to clutch my hands with yours and pour all the glitter in my reverie,
And I deny, I deny your sparkle because,
Every time I try to blend inclination with desire,
I fail hard…
And here I know the art to embrace and fondle,
How it is taking over your psyche,
But this time I may not preserve your carnal libido…

Not this time,
My love…
For I want to sink into my own ship and not blow your horn.

It’s been a while since I have penned down my thoughts and today it won’t be a lovestruck poem but conceptions about how we women deal with our relationships or have been dealing with it.

Well, I can’t go on every other relationship I’ve ever had, we all make mistakes and so did I, but what I really want to go through is the sequence of the same mistake everytime made by all of us. Recently, I changed my course to Social Work from MBA (not mentioning all of it here), I happen to learn about “oppression” and further were the types. I couldn’t stop thinking about it and hence I am here.
An oppression can be physical, mental or oral and it doesn’t have to be a man always who’s the culprit, could be us as well. But what mostly I thought about was, how verbal oppression takes place in our daily lives and we just ignore it because we love that person or probably are way too much attached to them. Now, I am not taking my case as a whole but anyone who has ever dated. There are certain boundaries for every person to mind in which they must never harm the other person’s feelings; of course, we all believe in this collectively.

Verbal repression could be easily found where you are termed as “dumb” and “inefficient” and if they say “Baby, I was just kidding”, Oh no man, you were not. It hurts and I detest when my significant other makes such a remark and calling it funny makes it worse only. The reason why most of the men happen to follow this ritual is that we women are so easily accessible and this could or could not be our fault because we are poignant and we feel hysterical when we aren’t provided with the same amount of attention which we deserve or have been overloading them with, and the consequence is often called off as an “overreaction”.
The partner may never realize that their articulated remark might make us feel low on self-esteem and we may never be able to give our best anymore, it could be that we may not be able to see the things same again because we are called incompetent in someone else’s joke.

Like I mentioned, the subjection happens both ways. It is about providing space to each other but it really is very distressing when space is mistaken for staying apart for days, months and what not.
What do the people who fall in love ask for? Some attention. That’s all darling, you might be able to think about it when your bubble of superiority pricks off, someday when you will give importance to your significant other without thinking how indispensable you are. You’ll fall in love all over again.

PS. I am not a feminazi but this is something very common and it happens from both the sides. I hope no one complains about this write-up to be only female-centered.

The lovers have changed….
maybe into someone inconclusive,
who’s as complex as a conundrum,
yet someone we want to solve and fall apart….

There is a false in that fidelity,
we haven’t really thought of spending it till eternity,
yet, could you still accomplish it in the name of my
carnal myth…?
Oh lover, I question you,
but not your reverence….
At least stay with me until dawn,
Mark my fallacious desires,
Cure them with your demons…

Once called the epitome of magnificence,
have now, parted ways to the unknown…
what did all the fret fetch these lovebirds..?
*Touch-wood*, was the only thing they swore…
the only thing they had faith in, but love!

These foxy beauties that I possess,
Exemplifies the woman in me,

The fierce,

The fiesty,

And the doughty person that I am…
It’s not just a mere shade,

Scarlett epitomizes the self-reliant Jane or a Judy in each of us…

From personifying the premier woman to the one on the red light…

It has infested optimism in all of them,

To be the most irresistible,

Yet unflappable…
From a bride’s lips to her,

Wedding saree,

And from her Sindoor to being a tone in one of her shoe,

The colour red has celebrated womanhood such gracefully. 

Never have I ever regretted any decision taken about my life and preferences the way I kind of now do remorse about the same, that totally doesn’t make me a meek person to back out. Starting from straight two months back when I landed in Australia, I was acting like and enthuse-fuck or even before I stepped in here. It wasn’t about me, being literally uneducated about the facts of life and what kind of struggles I can come across but mostly how easy would it become for someone like me to grab a job and live like all those characters we see in the movies. No I wasn’t being dreamy about it but was surely confident about getting sort of settled with the first trimester.

Little did I know, that being promoted in another country on a student visa would turn out to be a vexation from a scramble of life. That’s right, you don’t get jobs until you know your sources but then who hires you on the grounds of virtuosity? on top of it, how strenuous it gets to manage a job-hunt along with your assignments and upcoming exams altogether.It’s time to stop having myths about how easy can it get anymore to persist anywhere out and away from home. The impractical thought about the easy going independent life after shifting abroad and making money is absurd until you’re established, needs to be washed out of your brains.

Thankfully, within a span of these two months I made a bunch of delightful confidants, who have been there when I was acting like an emotional wreck and vice versa. You know, it is a must to meet someone with who you can feel contended even after staying 10 thousand miles apart from your clan; because there will be times when you’ll have to skip meals and times when everything will be hovering over you to handle all of it at once, expect the unexpected, your personal life would suck up and everything will be falling apart, but never lose a hope. Cause’ darling that’s all you have with yourself to endure.

Things will always get better and going.